Do you ever just have that one person you have a tiny subtle little crush on and it's just never going to go away? I have a hopeless crush on someone that I have no chance with. It's all about you. I'm not sure is necessary to write or not but I just do it. I don't know why I still like you but someday, if you like me back (which is never happen) I will be the happiest girl in the world but I will regret my whole life cause you're the type of guy that I can't get married with. It is a big no. You know what is that crazy my heart can stay for 3 years to put you in a safe place that no one realized you still there. You never say anything until I forgot to put you out from there cause my heart to think there's hope. Rejection is important even it's hurt so bad. I know it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
Ask me why I haven't talked to you, Well maybe it's because you slowly pushed me out of your life. You will never know how strongly a girl had once loved you. How struggling myself to put a smile on other guys. How struggling myself to lie that I got no one in my mind. How miserable my first year in university to study well but my mind full of your word that makes me fall in love that I can't forget. For you, all these things mean nothing. I wish for me is nothing too so easily for me to let go. I used to miss you so much, but I never felt like you really missed me back and so I guess I should stop missing you. I couldn't even explain to you how good it feels to look up across a room and see you standing there. But never happen and I should wake up and back to reality.
Sometimes, you make me feel like I actually have a chance but when I try to take that chance you make me realize I never really did. You're never gonna see me the way I see you. I got choked up when I think about it the memories we used to talk from morning till next morning that doesn't seem to quit a pit in my stomach, tears welled up in my eyes. I wish I can read again our old conversation but it's not healthy for me so I deleted it. After the confession, everything starts to change day by day. The way we talk, the way you treat me, the way you respond and the way how our conversation got boring. I still keep the pictures that you gave me. I know I should not do that. But the pictures of you just got a fresh haircut look stunning as fuck. Even the picture of you showing the middle finger still looks fine tho. The day you sent me pictures of you graduated in 2015 made me felt like we have something connection between us but you put the barrier so I need to back off. I will delete it soon. Don't worry :)
You didn't like me as I do you, I understand because who would really choose a sunflower in a field of roses. I'm totally different from the type of girl that you like. From the point of your view, I'm just a kid who can't go out the night and having some fun. I'm not pretty like other mature girls. I'm not social like other 20 years old women. In my mind is just about study. "Educated guy fate with educated girl" people keep reminding me that and technically, I'm from an educated family. Most of my siblings studying in oversea. While I, just normal me even I got a dean list every semester but it's still means nothing to you while my guy friend in my university always said that is attractive. All my mind just thinking about study cause that is the only thing I need to achieve. Basically, I'm a basic nerd bitch. I got a car and house, I can get married anytime but all that thing doesn't bring me happiness yet. It's just let me survive when I get married with an uneducated husband that can't support my high maintenance issue. I admit I got raised like a spoiled kid. I got my own car when I was 18 years old. Since I got raised like this sometimes I will look down at certain people so, I'm the wilted sunflower that used to water by toxic.
Have you ever met a person who at first glance you weren't attracted to but then they talk and with every word, every laugh, every smile, they become more beautiful until you can't believe there was a moment you didn't think they were. Not because of the way you said it ( with that voice I love so much) or how you said it (like it might shatter on your lips). It was thrilling because for a second I knew you took up as much space in my thought. It's something only a smile can disguise. I even get a small rush of happiness when you likes my pictures. What I wish back then, I can get just one day to show the actual me to you that no one never know, spent time with you and do something that I wanna do with you. Like watch movie, holding hand, keep warm to each other, night walk, deep talk in night for the last time and do some other cringe things.
But at the end of the day, you ignores me. I miss you even thought I know you never thought about me but have you ever wanted to cry but no tears came out, so you just stare blankly into space while feeling your heart break into pieces. That's how I felt on that day. Let me be clear, it's old post and I keep in draft cause I just feel it's not necessary to continue writing about this feeling. So old post, old feeling, it's gone. It's already 2019, I don't want to keep this feeling anymore. So the only way to let me feel peace after suffering for 3 years, just end it, let it go and run away. I decided to let you read this even you don't care. I will give you read on your birthday which 10 days left. You don't need to reply after that cause I'm not hoping for anything, not even a single thank you. Right now it's 2 am, I can't sleep yet cause I'm having really bad week I guess. It's a family matters, I can't stop crying and wishing everything need to stop cause I'm damn tired.
Dear heart,
so there's this guy that you want me to like but I can't do that, so can you please stop beating so fast when he comes running in my mind.
If I was a rose, maybe you'd pick me
Your profile here..
